We Wait Til Friday

As my life seems to fall slowly to the ground, I am given a quote to think about:

"Do everything like you're doing it on purpose."

*****

I met my boyfriend to discuss my current instability, and connected to that, the future of our relationship. I cannot predict even one minute ahead anymore, let alone try and understand where I am at an interpersonal level with someone I love.

The person I look across the coffee-stained table in Espresso Royale is the same boy, with the same calm and beautiful features I have fallen in love with. His eyes say it all: I'm sorry, I'm unhappy because you're sad, and the most painful of all: we need to do something about this.

I cannot see my life going anywhere, but without him, I feel like it is just going to spiral even harder into the ground. I am so damn scared that I will have no sense of direction or sense of self with him gone. I lost that months ago.

I don't know when I stopped believing in myself or sacrificed all of my self on an individual. That person I stare across has entered my life and is now a permanent fixture in it. I think of everything he has given me, everything that has been touched and modified by his delicate hands.

His innocent face tells me that he can be deceptive, but never to me. I've learned to read him. It's just not fair that I am caught in this perpetual unhappiness and he is left wondering what to do.

What is more frustrating is that I question if it is me failing him, him failing me, or if it is just that I have reached the point where this person I stare across the table at cannot hold my hand anymore--that somehow I have to be released back into the wild and hope for the best. If that is the case, I am fucking chicken shit.

What will I do? Where am I going to go?

*****

I don't have any insight on where we are at after the coffee date. He studies at my place with me because he can see the sadness and fear in my eyes. "I want to support you no matter what," he proclaims proudly and with watery eyes.

I don't know how I'll ever be able to have him support me without being my partner. It will just rip my tender, fragile heart to pieces every time.

I'm begging myself to figure things out over this week. My partner refuses to see me until Friday, with this as the rationale: "You need to figure your shit out. Work through it. I want you to be the judge of when you are ready to face this relationship. Right now, you need to face yourself."

And how true it is. I have connected facing myself to facing this relationship. He is completely right: I am facing the wrong opponent right now.

*****

Insomnia is my new friend. I cannot sleep; my mind now races. I cannot help but be more compulsively clean and tidy now. I am turning more methodical and more and more concerned as I am entering day three of treatment. I am eating less and finding it harder to get up out of bed. I stare off into space more, clutching things and staying in a state of silence and disconnection. I'm starting to understand why the side-effect label is so incredibly long, so elaborate, so real.


WIHTM?